I was really excited about the Oscars this past weekend.
Not that I had a personal stake of any kind, mind you. On the contrary, I didn’t even have a personal favourite movie or actor or sound technician or coffee gofer that I was rooting for.
As the Oscars drew to a close on Sunday night, I was wondering how many people had bothered to watch. I didn’t, and I haven’t for years.
Just a week before the Big Show, pollsters had determined that a huge majority of North Americans had caught up with me. They said 80 per cent were planning to give it a pass. The pundits speculated that last year’s All-White Oscars showed it up for the farce that it is.
After all, it’s been a sham forever. I mean, otherwise how could that overrated nobody Meryl Streep, as Donald Trump so astutely noted, have won so many Academy Awards – three Oscars and another 20 nominations? Get real.
But the truth is, the show is tiring. It’s a back-patting parade of winners that goes on forever
What it needs is the Trump touch. Nobody knows how to get ratings like he does. He’s the best. Just ask him.
Just kidding. You don’t have to ask. He’ll tell you every chance he gets. He’ll even pray it at you.
With him running the show, it would have a bigger audience than ever. The biggest in the history of audiences. Even if nobody watched, there’d be more people watching than ever watched it.
And he’d win all the awards. You’d be proud. Because he’s the best.
Casey Affleck for Best Actor? Where is Manchester, anyway? Nowhere near Mar-a-Lago, that’s for sure. And Mar-a-Lago actually means it’s “by the sea.” So why bother with Manchester By the Sea? Makes no sense.
In Trump’s show, the Best Actor would have been Donald Trump, for Captain Fantastic – a role made for him.
And how did La La Land not get Best Picture? Moonlight? What a loser! About a black guy growing up in Miami… and he’s not even a member at Mar-a-Lago. Sad!
Donald Trump turned all of America into La La Land. How is that not the winner?
Trump’s show would be so full of winners, you’d get tired of winning… oh wait! That’s already what’s wrong with it.
On the plus side, Oscar night gave us all hope that someone from PricewaterhouseCoopers might yet jump up on the stage and tell Trump, “Sorry! Someone handed you the wrong card on Nov. 8!”