By PETER VINCENT

My American girlfriend recently commented that I apologize too much, to which I replied, “Sorry. I’m Canadian.” And that got me thinking about Canada’s longstanding inferiority complex and our place in the world. 

Who can really pinpoint where our national self-esteem issues arose? Did it start with Confederation? After all, we really had no spectacular coup, no Boston Tea Party. The founding fathers just sort of asked England, “Would it be, like, all right if we governed ourselves?” To this day, the visage of the ruling monarch is still emblazoned on our currency, as if to say, “Remember your place.”

Feeling bad about ourselves has become a national pastime, woven into the fabric of the maple leaf. We feel badly about the way we ran roughshod over the First Nations — that whole residential school unpleasantness.

We feel badly about shuffling all the Canadians of Japanese descent off to internment camps and taking away their land and businesses during WWII. We feel badly about clear-cutting great swaths of forest land and about huge open pits in the Alberta Tar Sands that are decimating natural habitats. 

We feel badly about clubbing baby seals, over the protests and ultimate ban of all seal products from the European Union. To add fuel to the fire, the House of Commons voted to include a bit of seal pelt in the official Winter Olympics uniform. It was subsequently dismissed out of hand by Canadian Olympic Committee chairman Mike Chambers, but the international outrage was palpable.

Speaking of sports, it is one of our national embarrassments that no Canadian NHL team has won the Stanley Cup since 1992, a 17-year drought. And who can forget Canadian Ben Johnson breaking the Olympic 100-meter dash in 1988, only to be disqualified in disgrace for doping.

Just last month, in golf’s U.S. Open tournament, Canada’s great northern hope, Mike Wier, broke my heart once again, finishing tied for 10th after a dazzling first two rounds. Always the bridesmaid.

The death of Polish immigrant Robert Dziekanski at the hands of the RCMP in the Vancouver Airport continues to be a YouTube favourite.

American politicians are still harbouring deep suspicions about Canada being the muster station for the 9/11 terrorists. Omar Kahdr continues to rot in Guantanamo prison despite Canada Supreme Court directives to bring him home. Oh, and did you hear?

The United Nations has fingered Canada as being the leading world-wide supplier for meth amphetamine and ecstasy. How do you like us so far?

While we may be the leading exporter of illegal drugs, we also export a lot of musical talent. How can you underestimate the influence of such musical giants as Leonard Cohen and Joni Mitchell, both of whom spend a lot of their time south of the border. Our own Randy Bachman and the Guess Who made a not insignificant dent in their time, with hits like, er, “American Woman.” I would be remiss if I did not spotlight Celine Dion, who catapulted to the top of the music business, performing 600 shows over three years at, um, Caesar’s Palace in, um, Las Vegas.

American media has always found excellent mulch in the Canadian psyche.

Years ago, I remember National Lampoon Magazine devoted an entire issue on us entitled “Canada: That Great Retarded Giant on our Doorstep.” Stephen Colbert regularly takes shots at us on The Colbert Report.

South Park had an Academy Award-nominated song named “Blame Canada” in its feature-length movie. Just this April, Billy Bob Thornton appeared on CBC Radio’s The Q, comparing Canadian audiences to “mashed potatoes, without the gravy.” Ouch.

Let’s face it: we’re pretty dull and that’s the way we like it. That has been a curse, but in these recessionary days, it is turning into a blessing.

Our banking system, as stodgy and conservative as it is, has been recognized as the best in the world. Our banks didn’t get killed by the worldwide mortgage meltdown, no bailouts, no CEOs being dragged off in handcuffs. Canada’s banks are doing very well, thank you very much.

 As the financial world lurches from one financial crisis to another, Canada continues to plod along. Plodding along is now something to be aspired to in the economic powerhouses of the world. We need to embrace our conservative side. Pride in Pinstripes.

This Canada Day, as you take down the Vancouver Canucks flags and roll out your Canadian flag, try to forget about the tasers, the meth labs, the mashed potatoes, the baby seals, that heartbreak known as the Canucks. Embrace the pecuniary, the sexiness of compounding interest and the sauciness of the tax deductible RRSP. Three cheers for government regulation!

Just don’t cheer too loudly. We wouldn’t want to bother the neighbours.