Six years later, same-sex marriage leaves many with mixed feelings.
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Updated: July 05, 2009 1:50 PM
For Robin Roberts and Diana Denny, success came in an unexpected place: the checkout counter at a hardware store.
A casual conversation with the clerk turned to the couple’s legal battle to permit same-sex marriage in B.C., which they won in July 2003.
The clerk, a gay man likely in his late teens, was surprised to learn that once upon a time, gays couldn’t marry in Canada.
“We were both blown away,” Denny said, her mouth dropping open all over again as she relived the shock.
Instead of feeling unrecognized for their years of struggle, the couple is thrilled.
“When we volunteered to be in the marriage case, we looked at each other and said, ‘we could do that for the youth of Canada,’” recalled Roberts.
“We didn’t want them to go through what we went through,” added Denny.
Same-sex marriage is finally a non-issue for the gay and lesbian community, exactly as they’d hoped.
It’s also marked a radical shift in heterosexual attitudes.
After years of being alienated from their family, many homosexual couples found sudden acceptance when they upgraded from partner to spouse.
The turnaround, however, doesn’t sit well for many members of the Lesbian Elder Care Society.
At the weekly coffee group in James Bay, a dozen women jockey for a turn in the conversation about marriage, mostly to express skepticism.
The message from the older set is almost unanimous: equal rights are great, but marriage is not for us.
Only a handful of the society’s 60 members have tied the knot, the majority ending in divorce. Provincewide, 870 lesbians reported themselves married on the 2006 census.
Marriage is a patriarchal institution for the ownership of property and children, explained Gillian Chase.
For Marlene Cust, bad connotations come flooding in when she hears a lesbian refer to her partner as her wife.
“(Marriage is) a model that fails 50 per cent of the time,” added Sylvie Gelianas. “Why would we want to adopt that?”
Most of the women have been married to men and raised children in their younger years. They risked everything when they came out as older women.
Often losing the financial and emotional support of family or community, many struggle with chronic poverty.
Marriage for this group is a double-edged sword.
“It gave us new rights but it also cost us,” said Sharon King.
Married couples gained more rights to inheritance and spousal benefits but also prevented those on welfare from collecting if their partner was employed.
The change sent many back into the closet, said King. “It’s a different closet but one all the same.”
On this chat session, however, two young women join the discussion with a different message.
Miryam Burns, 20, grew up with two closeted lesbian parents.
“For children it can be really hard not to be recognized, she said, adding she had a “whole set of lies” at her disposal to explain her parents’ relationship.
When marriage was legalized, however, her moms jumped at the chance and life got better.
Kiera Porteous, 16, had it easier. Her two moms also came out when marriage was legalized, when Porteous was 10.
It wasn’t a shocker to anyone, she said. “I never had a problem.”
rholmen@saanichnews.com
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