Q: My sisters and I want to ask you how to handle a situation with our dad. Our parents have been divorced for a long time and we live with our mom and stay with our dad in the summer and at Christmas. We love our dad and we do miss him, but the really big problem is the phone calls.

He calls us at least twice a week and we have to talk to him for about a half an hour each. We all don’t like this. He complains about Mom and says that everything is her fault. None of us like talking to him on the phone and we hate it when the phone rings after dinner because it might be him.

A: You certainly aren’t the only kids who have trouble with phone calls to parents. Yours is a fairly common complaint. Although there isn’t a magic solution for this problem, I have a few suggestions that might help.

The very best way to handle this problem is to tell your dad about it. He might not know how you feel about the calls. Sometimes parents worry that kids will feel unloved if they don’t call often enough or talk for long enough. If your dad knows that the calls aren’t great for you, he might change them.

Kids worry about hurting parents’ feelings and are often reluctant to tell them how they feel. If this is a worry for you, keep in mind that parents are old enough to handle their own feelings — even hard ones.

Also remember that your dad’s feelings are not your responsibility. While telling your dad about your feelings is important, there is no guarantee that he will make any changes at all.

Fortunately, there are some other things you can do. Since you haven’t said how old you are, some of these suggestions might not be suitable for you. You have more choice about the calls as you get older.

• Having shorter calls: Try telling your dad how much time you have to talk at the start of the call, e.g. “I’m glad you called, Dad. I have about 10 minutes before I have to start my homework/walk the dog/have my shower.” Be honest with your dad; you can’t say you have to do homework unless it is true.

• Ending calls early: Politely let your dad know that you want to end the call, e.g. “I can’t think of anything else to say, so I’ll talk to you next time.”

• Handling Dad’s complaints about Mom: Don’t! Kids can feel a strong urge to defend the parent who is being blamed or complained about. It is so much better for kids not to get involved in blaming and complaining, and the best ways to handle it are to ignore it or tell your dad how you feel about it.

Ignoring is easier if you know that adults don’t need kids to defend them. Relationships between adults are best left for the adults to manage. Try just not responding to your dad’s complaints. If his complaining takes the form of questions, tell him, “You’ll have to talk to Mom about that.”

It is sometimes easier not to respond if you actually don’t hear what your dad is saying. Hold your hand over your ear when he says negative things about your mom. If you can still hear the critical words, try humming a song inside your head, or turning on some music or a TV in the room.

If you don’t want to ignore the complaints, you could try telling your dad how his words affect you, e.g. “It really hurts me when you talk about my mom like that.”

• Other forms of communication: Having a good relationship with someone does require communication. Staying in touch with kids when they don’t live at your house is important for parents and for kids. Phone calls are a great way to do that, but not the only way.

You could suggest talking on MSN, Facebook, or through e-mails instead. Sending real mail is also a great way to keep up to date. Text messages are also an easy way to stay in touch.

• Taking turns talking: Kids sometimes find that it helps to figure out what order they are going to talk to their parent ahead of time. Don’t shift your time to talk to your dad onto the next sibling.

• Privacy: If you are a bit older, you might find it hard to talk on the phone to Dad while Mom is in the room. Try taking the call in your bedroom.

If you would like to ask a question of the counsellors, for a response in future columns, e-mail them at askpacific@shaw.ca; or fax the Record at 250-338-5568 or write to them c/o the Record.

Consult a Counsellor is provided by the registered clinical counsellors who own and operate pacific therapy & consulting: Nancy Bock, Diane Davies, Lynore Harrington and Leslie Wells. It appears every second Friday.