Opinion

AT RANDOM: Get your mooove on

It was during Easter break with my family and friends, around our fire pit in my backyard with a few beers, when one of the biggest challenges of my life presented itself.

Can a grown man run faster than a cow?

I have no recollection how we landed on this topic, but the argument lasted into the wee hours of the night.

My dad and his neighbour are certain that four legs outruns two legs any day. They are convinced that I could never catch a cow on the run.

Let me be the first to tell you guys that I can move. I played college baseball for the WolfPack at Thompson Rivers University for four years. There wasn’t a base that I couldn’t steal; I was like a young Davey Lopes for the Los Angeles Dodgers.

I am not too far removed from those college days, so I imagine the kid still has the wheels.

My big thing is, what difference does it make how many legs the creature has? I can outrun turtles. If more legs are better, shouldn’t caterpillars and centipedes be the fastest animals? Ostriches have two legs and they have been clocked up to 70-kilometres/hour.

There are probably other faster creatures I’m leaving out, but I digress.

The next morning, I rolled out of bed and looked on Yahoo Answers, “How fast can a cow run?”

There are three things that are certain in life: death, taxes and Yahoo Answers has an answer for everything.

I found several different responses, nothing concrete.

Then it came to me, I can use my new power in the media to settle this debate.

I am calling you out farmers of the Greater Vernon area. I want to race your fastest cow so I can prove my dad and his neighbour wrong. You know where I work, how to get a hold of me to set this thing up.

I’m still pretty new in town, so this gives me a chance to get out there in the community a bit more.

Here are the steaks (ahem); WHEN I win, I would like the farmer to make a donation to the Vernon Food Bank and a photo-op with the hunk of beef I just whupped. If I lose, I am willing to work one day for free on the farmer’s farm. The terms are negotiable.

As for the distance, preferably 100-metres or less. I might be fast, but I can’t stand running long distances.

I grew up in Cow-Town, I’ve been to the Stampede many times, but I haven’t worked one second on a farm. I don’t even know how to make a cow run. Hopefully the farmers will know how.

Let me be clear, I am the farthest thing from a farm boy. I have worked manual labour in the past, so one day won’t kill me, right?

The challenge is out there Vernon. I await your response.

Meanwhile, I will be scaling the Stairway to Hell just off Okanagan Avenue as I prepare to establish myself on top of the animal kingdom once and for all.

 

We encourage an open exchange of ideas on this story's topic, but we ask you to follow our guidelines for respecting community standards. Personal attacks, inappropriate language, and off-topic comments may be removed, and comment privileges revoked, per our Terms of Use. Please see our FAQ if you have questions or concerns about using Facebook to comment.