Opinion

Handing out Oscars to Canada's 2014 Olympic hockey team

Somehow – some way – Jennifer Lawrence
Somehow – some way – Jennifer Lawrence's first Oscars is kind of like John Tavares's first Olympics. (There will be many more.)
— image credit: Wikimedia Commons

The Daniel Day Lewis Award

They'll probably be on this team until they retire, and even their retirement won't be forced or necessary. They'll never do anything wrong, even when they kind of do.

You just give them the Oscar… you don't even have to watch the movie, you just have to know they were in a movie that year.

Previous Winners: Wayne Gretzky, Scott Niedermayer, Chris Pronger, Martin Brodeur, Mario Lemieux, Steve Yzerman (META!), Joe Sakic

2014 Winners: Sidney Crosby, Duncan Keith, Drew Doughty, Roberto Luongo, Jonathan Toews, Shea Weber, Steven Stamkos

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The Jennifer Lawrence Award

Like, one year she was that really gorgeous actress with the surprise nomination, and you didn't even know who she was until you saw her in that red dress at the Academy Awards and everyone's jaw – including your wife's – just dropped.

Then, the next time you saw her, she was actually winning the award and probably will enter Meryl Streep "legendary forever" status unless she goes all Julia Roberts and screws it up with Mona Lisa Smile.

Previous Winners: Jarome Iginla, Simon Gagne, Eric Lindros, Brendan Shanahan, Vincent Lecavalier, Joe Thornton, Martin St. Louis (META!)

2014 Winners: John Tavares, Alex Pietrangelo, PK Subban, Ryan Getzlaf, Corey Perry

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The Paul Giamatti Award

You passed out for a little, woke up, and they were somehow suddenly legit.

Previous Winners: Mike Peca, Ryan Smyth, Wade Redden, Trevor Linden, Rod Brind'Amour

2014 Winners: Patrick Marleau, Chris Kunitz

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The William H. Macy Award

Never seen him play. Or, you have no visible memory of seeing them play. Someone asks you to describe them and, all of a sudden, you can't picture them. You just hear the name and you think, "Solid."

Oh, and Fargo was pretty good.

Previous Winners: Al MacInnis, Adam Foote, Joe Nieuwendyk, Robyn Regehr, Owen Nolan, Rob Blake, Rob Brewer

2014 Winners: Dan Hamhuis, Marc-Edouard Vlasic, Mike Smith, Patrice Bergeron

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The John Travolta Award

Prone to nominations but not wins, destined for a long career and decent money. But you can't hope have this feeling they could just fall apart at any minute.

It's not really fair to think that, but then again you also have no idea what happened to them in between Grease and Pulp Fiction.

Previous Winners: Theo Fleury, Todd Bertuzzi, Dany Heatley

2014 Winners: Rick Nash, Matt Duchene, Jeff Carter

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The Marion Cotillard Award

Totally makes sense they would have an Oscar. You just don't remember the name of the movie or the ceremony. (La Vie en Rose in 2007, by the way.)

Previous Winners: Shane Doan, Eric Staal, Brent Seabrook, Joe Thornton

2014 Winners: Jamie Benn, Patrick Sharp, Jay Bouwmeester, Carey Price

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