Letting go is not as bad as it may seem to some of us

This week I got a series of hard lessons in surrender.

It started when my sister put me on the alert that my father was probably going through the first-flush experience of his own mortality.

Not one for drama, suddenly everything was rising up like some kind of evil out to get him—whether it was the H1N1, a case of bad dentistry or a past relationship.

Simply put, everything was in sharp relief. Shades of grey had disappeared and everything was being judged as black or white, good or bad.

This can be a useful perspective when we’re looking at what to do with our lives. The black and white perspective gives us a lens to look through.

But it’s not so helpful when it comes to matters of the heart.

Surrender, whether to our own mortality, or the loss of a loved one, is all about allowing change to happen and accepting it with grace.

I can hear you say it now—bunk!

In one of my favourite movies—All That Jazz—there’s a series of segments featuring the famous satirical comedian Lenny Bruce agonizing over Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s seven stages of death.

It forms the framework for the entire movie, which ultimately is about surrender.

In the end, Bruce lands in a place of acceptance, as does the central character in the story. But neither one gets there without a lot of drama along the way.

In my experience, grieving cries out for drama.

I’m tempted to go there myself on a regular basis, lapping up every bit of the pity party along the way and calling on friends and family to indulge me in my indulgences.

Drama makes me feel alive, but it also sets me up on an emotional rollercoaster that leaves me breathless.

And the worst part – no one can really help.

Letting go is one of the most personal of journeys.

When a psychiatrist friend of mine suggested I might want to enjoy the journey, I thought he was a bit crazy. I also thought that by giving up what I perceived as “the lows”, I would have to give up “the highs” as well.

But that’s so not true.

What happens is that everything comes together in a different way. The moment becomes more precious. The words used in that moment, more precious still.

Learning to let go is something humans get to practice throughout their lives.

We learn it as we see friends move away, as we move from one period of our lives to another; as people die, change or simply move on.

My father’s okay now. For the moment, he’s found some peace, and something else to care about.

Looking out my window now, I can see the leaves scattered across my lawn. Some have been blown there by a gentle breeze, others by a violent stormy night.

Either way, the trees are letting go – some for the last time, but many only for a season.

When I can, when I have the courage, I try to love the journey.

Karin Wilson is a journalist and staff minister at the Kelowna Centre for Spiritual Living.

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