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Making light of the coming apocalypse
It's the end of the world and Bob Robertson feels fine.
That's because, as the calendar ticks down to the apocalypse on Dec. 21 as predicted by the Mayans, he's been getting ready.
The New Westminster comedy writer and performer is sharing some of his Armageddon advice in his guide to the cataclysm, Mayan Horror: How to survive the end of the world in 2012.
Robertson says he's confident the Mayans got it right. After all, they were ahead of their time. They were masterful mathematicians and astronomers. They civilized Mexico before it became overrun with tourists and gangsters. They constructed impressive temples that all came in under budget because they were built with slave labour. And, say some experts, they foretold the demise of mankind because their calendar abruptly stops at 11:11 a.m. GMT, Dec. 21, 2012.
Although, Robertson concedes, "the guy who was chiseling the calendar might have just gotten tired."
Nevertheless, Robertson says he's been stocking up on end-of-the-world supplies consisting mostly of beef jerky, Kraft dinner and jars of pickles, "because they don't have an expiry date." And Canadian Tire money.
Robertson says once the pillars of destructive hellfire are extinguished and the banks have been wiped out, there will be an opportunity for savvy survivors to establish a new global currency by pillaging the charred skeletons of cars where they're bound to find endless stashes of the promotional bills squirrelled away in the glove boxes. He's already amassed a closet full of "seed money."
Of course, Robertson doesn't want to set off panic on Columbia Street. So he's playing it cool, going about his daily business normally.
He's cleaned and pressed the tuxedo he plans to wear to the annihilation. "You want to be looking your best at the pearly gates," he says.
He's placed an advance order for his last meal, fish and chips from Fathom at the River Market. "Comfort food," he says.
He's put out his best bottle of single malt Scotch because, he says, "you don't have to worry about a hangover, or you'll have one heck of one anyway" depending on how the end of days plays out.
Robertson's book reveals the 10 safest places in Canada to ride out the apocalypse, including the Diefenbunker in Carp, Ont., an old unused subway station in Toronto, and the Roundhouse Lodge at the top of Whistler mountain for its "spectacular view" and "steamed dumplings in a light miso broth." Locally, he suggests the food court at the Royal City Centre, a place Armageddon might just forget.
But Robertson says he's a fatalist. He plans to watch the decimation from his balcony along New Westminster's waterfront, holding the hand of his wife, comedienne Linda Cullen.
"I'm at peace with everything," says Robertson. "I've been kind to animals. I've been to church enough to build up some points. I'm ready."
He'd better be. Because if he, and everyone else, wakes up on Dec. 22, he's going to have a whole lot of remaindered books to dispose of.
• Mayan Horror: How to survive the end of the world 2012 is published by Anvil Press. Robertson will be at Renaissance Books on Sixth Street on Dec. 2, 1-3 p.m. to give a reading, sign copies and maybe even calm some jangled nerves.