In Vancouver, a psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting issues recently joined forces with a physician and bestselling author to tackle one of the most disturbing and misunderstood trends of our time -- peers replacing parents in the lives of our children.

The key phenomenon of the book is peer orientation, which refers to the tendency of children and youth to look to their peers for direction: for a sense of right and wrong, for values, identity and codes of behaviour. While teen socialization with peers is a natural and important precursor to learning to deal with social challenges as adults, it is just as natural for parents to care about where their teens are, what they are doing, and who they are spending time with.

According to Neufeld and Mate’s book, excessive peer orientation can undermine family cohesion, poisons the school atmosphere, and fosters an aggressively hostile and sexualized youth culture. It provides a powerful explanation for schoolyard bullying and youth violence. Its effects are painfully evident in the context of teenage gangs and criminal activity, and in tragedies such as in Littleton, Colorado, Tabor, Alberta, and Victoria, B.C.

In the book, Neufeld and Mate explain that something has changed. “Children are not quite the same as we remember being. They seem less likely to take their cues from adults, less inclined to please those in charge, less afraid of getting into trouble.” Having worked at a centre for young offenders and with many children and youth who are having difficulties relating to their peers (either victimized by them or bullying them), I can relate to this change. As well, the impulsive world of computers and videogames can give a false sense that all there is to relationships is the push of a button.

Young people, particularly teens, are taking more and more direction from their peers and less from their adult caregivers. Teachers and parents seem to feel more and more helpless in guiding their young charges because we see them less and less. They are “hanging out”. Where? We do not know. As such, they put themselves at risk for trouble, crime, unwanted pregnancy, drug addiction, and poverty.

At the same time, parenting has changed. Neufeld continues, “For many, parenting does not feel natural. Adults through the ages have complained about children being less respectful of their elders and more difficult to manage than preceding generations, but could it be that this time it is for real?”

Some parents would probably say that the child protection laws nowadays prevent us from properly disciplining (read punishing) our children. “When they used the strap on me, I learned quick,” they say. “And look at me, I turned out alright.” Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but punishment, as well as peer orientation has been shown not to work as well as reward. You may reply that you can’t reward bad behaviour. Clearly, I would agree and that isn’t what I’m suggesting. Instead, fostering what Neufeld calls a secure base of attachment is key.

Attachment means keeping the young person close but allowing them to go only where you know they are capable of going. Allowing them to touch the edge and be able to come back and have a conversation about what it was like. Being there to hear about their experiences while they were away. Not kicking them out for going out with friends, but getting to know their friends, getting to know the parents of their friends, and questioning them about their choices of friends. These things, not punishment, will promote a more lasting bond with your teenagers than those who have either too little guidance or only punishment to look forward to when they get home. In either case, they will probably not come home.

So, hold on to your kids, stick up for them in school, because they actually do better academically when parents involve themselves constructively in their children’s schooling. Encourage their strengths and support them through their challenges.

For more information about the attachment approach to parenting, see www.gordonneufeld.com.

Kim Dawson is a clinical psychologist with the Child and Youth Mental Health program at the Ministry for Children and Family Development in Chilliwack.